…Because she’s a talented actress, yes, but also because we share the same dream of being a defensive coordinator someday. And because she’s beautiful. And smart. Anyway, what was my point again? Oh yeah, here’s a fun Hollywood Reporter Q&A with her. Careful, you might fall in love!  

The Seattle Storm’s Dominique Malonga Googled “computer science” and enrolled at Southern New Hampshire University immediately. Now, she’s literally and figuratively dunking on the entire league while working toward her degree (shout out Amanda Lucci at Women’s Health for this one). I can’t wait to clear cloud space to download her app. 

Let’s call a spade a spade: NBA players love ‘Spades.’ Many of them grow up playing the card game. They even have their own Taylor Rooks-hosted tournament at All-Star Weekend. The Athletic’s Terrance Moore on how it’s similar to basketball. 

If you thought the Super Bowl was spensy, you were right, but a group stage ticket to the Portugal-Colombia group stage game in Miami on June 27 will put you out even more dollhairs. WSJ’s Rachel Bachman says there are tickets — we s*** you not — that cost $5.75 million. Only a billionaire like Ronaldo could afford that kind of ticket. But he will be playing in said game, so…

Yamine Lamal and Olivia Rodrigo met up at El Clásico, albeit very briefly. Olivia was the La Liga x Spotify collab’s featured artist for the rivalry match, which gave Barca their 29th La Liga title, and evened the all-time series out at 106 wins each, but who’s counting?

If you are ever feeling bored or uninspired, I find that it helps to think about how unique your lived experience is. Only 19,335 people will ever be able to say they witnessed the historic first game back for the WNBA’s Portland Fire after its 24-year dead period. I felt very hashtag blessed enough to be among those people. The second-coming actually set an attendance record for a W franchise’s first game. 

The Fire flew me out for a weekend in Rip City. It was a trip that felt extra special for a gal who hails from Portland, but I really had no idea how the gameday experience would go. 

I expected to hear “This Girl is On Fire” by Alicia Keys no less than 3 times, for instance. I was very happy to hear it zero times. No shade to Alicia, who has about 100 other instant classics, but I think we’re good on that track.  

The Fire’s experience had all the queer and women’s celebratory vibes you could ask for, and none of it felt corporate or archaically girl bossy. 

There were moments when the home team trailed double digits but the crowd was invested as if it was a tie game. Justine Skye killed the national anthem (positive), the queen herself, Ashanti, performed at halftime. HoopBus, who I’ve written about here, was there.  

Portland legend Carrie Brownstein was there too (by the way, did you know YouTube TV has an entire channel called “Portlandia” that just plays Portlandia? One of my favorite things to tell people and also watch). Former Fire players Sylvia Crawley and Stacey Thomas were there. The Trail Blazers Donovan Clingan and Toumani Camara made it a double-date. Lauren and Jrue Holiday brought the family. 

I decided Nyadiew Puoch is my new favorite little guy (gender neutral). Mainly because of her outfit, but also because of her hustle. If she plays like this again, Sarah Ashlee Barker is on Portland legend watch.  

The city understood the assignment, too, as the weather was gorgina. This means anyone who came into town for that game didn’t have to learn about the All-Consuming Gray (™ Me, right now) — yay!  

Chicago’s Skylar Diggins commented on the determination and energy of the fans. Portland’s Serah Williams said they made her fall in love with basketball again. There were pyrotechnics, a stadium wide wave that just wouldn’t quit (seriously, it went on a little too long, but that’s ok, we were excited!). 

Only one game in and Lisa and Alex Bhathal (who also own the Sacramento Kings and the NWSL’s Portland Thorns) have so much to be proud of. It felt like a celebration of what Portland is, and also a prelude to everything it can become. Unrigid and spoke to the city’s quirks. The Firewerks (their dance team) was talented and inclusive of all shapes, sizes, genders.    

I’m even taking a pause on asking questions about the roster construction for now (see you soon, though, JuJu Watkins)! Do you know what it takes to get me to shut up? Yes, of course you do, you read this newsletter. 

A few weeks ago, I was being ornery about how wrong the Knicks were to fire Thibs and trade Donte DiVincenzo, and now I have to publicly admit none of those moves, mistakes or not, matter — they’re the clear Eastern Conference favorite to make it to the NBA Finals. 

I spent my weekend yelling at OKC haters who insist the team is “corny” as well, but I’m never taking that one back. Everyone who hates OKC is wrong, and history will prove that true. I bet my life on it. Anyway, back to what you really care about: the coastal elites.  

Mitchell Robinson, who is the only non-coastal elite on the Knicks (the man loves pickup trucks and Morgan Wallen) had a dunk that posterized Joel Embiid and sent the memes into overdrive.

Now they’re Cistine Chapeling the dunk onto major landmarks. 

And they’re commandeering the 76ers landmarks. 

And after completing the sweep against the 76ers and occupying 70% of Xfinity Mobile Arena yesterday, they stole the spotlight on Mother’s Day.

Some say the Knicks have got the stars to thank for their success. 

But I think part of it is the spirit of the fans, who are absolutely insane, and I mean that both positively…

…And also negatively (but respectfully).

Anyway, this is the Tweet of the weekend for me. 

Never change, Josh Hart. Never change, New York.