…To ink a partnership with DICK’S and Foot Locker? I was hashtag blessed enough to be at Wednesday’s event, where Caitlin Clark talked about her groundbreaking partnership, about how oatmeal raisin cookies are not real cookies, and unrelated stuff but not irrelevant, how CC swears she’s never wrong about anything. Plus, she released a children’s book about dreaming big. 

We’ve all got our “the one that got away.” For most of us, it’s an old flame. For art lover Kevin Love, it’s a photograph. Cindy Sherman’s “Untitled Film Still #21” to be exact. It turns out he’s got quite an eye for art, but he’s also happy to admit when he doesn’t understand something. 

Have you ever thought about who the most marketable athletes are? No? Because that isn’t your job? Fair. But I’ve thought about it. And so has Tatler Sports. I’m surprised who’s number one, to be honest, but number two is a no brainer. 

I have a confession to make: I kind of like “Talkin’ Football,” the Gronk x Julian Edelman NFL on Fox song. I understand they probably used a lot of AI to make it, but I’m going to pretend that isn’t the case. And yes, I understand that makes me a 50-year-old Coors Light drinkin’ La-Z-Boy sittin’ kind of fella.

Staying healthy is important for someone whose job it is to get hit by 300-pound men over and over and over. For Christian McCaffrey, that means lots of recovery and eating right. But it also means carrot cake and marrying right. GQ’s Jake Nevins goes deeper with the 49ers RB here. Great, now I want Fruity Pebbles. 

As you may recall, I crafted a (perfect) vehement defense of Chicago Bears quarterback Caleb Williams in the face of performative male allegations in this very newsletter. What, a guy can’t be a well-rounded individual?

And now, Cincinnati Bengals quarterback Joe Burrow, a card-carrying member of the Eccentric QBs Club, and his wonderful idiosyncrasies are becoming criminally underappreciated too. 

So here I am again, just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love crystals, prehistoric artifacts, and telescopes with no shame. (What would you do without me?)

Similar to Caleb, Joe has been accused of aura farming on more than one occasion. He chronically turns heads with his tunnel fits, and he’s no stranger to the Met Gala. His nicknames range from “Joe Brrr” to “Joe Shiesty,” and his victory cigar photo and his spin-throw-in-the-snow video have permanent residence in the Aura Hall Of Fame. 

So he’s objectively cool. The Aura 100 gives him a No. 266 world ranking (which is way better than it sounds) and a 3,573 Aura score (which, I have no clue what it means, but it sounds good).

But here’s the thing: He’s not cool for the reasons everyone thinks. Joe Burrow is the coolest guy in the NFL because his aura is wholly unintentional.

We love him because he’s the guy who unironically wore a Pikachu-themed hooded neck pillow for the Bengals flight to Spain this week.

And because his lifelong affinity for “SpongeBob SquarePants” leads him to believe Squidward is the cartoon version of him. 

And because he gifted his offensive linemen authentic fossils last Christmas, bought a telescope to explore the galaxy this offseason and casually said he hopes to see an alien, and partnered with Chrome to design his perfect chess set. Joe Burrow sponcon is not like other athletes’ sponcon. 

Oh and because he turned a catastrophic wrist injury into a reason to learn to play piano, and he told Vanity Fair he’s been working diligently on a Lego set that “looks like a painting of a galaxy, it’s super textured with a built-in frame. That’ll go up on a wall somewhere.” I mean, c’mon! 

The brilliant Joon Lee, Friend of OffBall™, recently investigated “Why Quarterbacks Can’t Be Themselves,” and his overarching point about robotic interviews and personas stands firm. But sometimes, way more often than most QBs, Joe Burrow scoffs in the face of the norm. 

You know how Simba cackled, “Danger? Ha! I walk on the wild side. I laugh in the face of danger” while entering the elephant graveyard in “The Lion King”? I assume that’s Joe Burrow’s inner monologue every time he steps before a microphone. 

Just last year, a reporter alerted Burrow to fan theories that crystals expedited his healing from a turf toe injury at an otherwise ordinary press conference, and he nonchalantly replied, “Doesn’t everybody have crystals? I got some crystals, yeah!” 

And earlier this season, Burrow showed up to his interview with Julian Edelman rocking a graphic tee depicting a cat surfing on pizza, and Edelman said, “You know what that shirt tells me? That tells me you’re happy Joe right now.” Burrow flashed a huge smile, laughed, and said, “Facts.” 

(You know what else that shirt tells us? He’s cat-pilled like the rest of us. Or at least like me and these athletes.) 

More facts: Happy Joe is the best Joe, and he serves as a role model for anyone afraid to proudly claim their interests. Happiness is on the other side of fully embracing the nerd (complimentary) within. 

Anyway, gotta go. I’m busy petitioning to rename “Guilty Pleasures” to “Shameless Sources Of Joy” in Burrow’s honor. 

Unrivaled unveiled their rosters this week, and it’s giving “Ok class, now get into a group of 6.” All of these rosters are besties, and although I think it will make amazing content, I do question how it’s going to look on-court. Luckily, it’s not my job to worry about that kind of thing, and I hardly ever know what I’m talking about anyways. Let’s take a look at the teams.

I already know Breeze, with Dijonai, Paige, Kaitlyn, and Kah are going to be one of the most fun teams to follow on IG. Hopefully we’ll get a shotgun at some point. 

Laces BC features my favorite French fiancés, Marine Johannes and Gabby Williams. We’ll be getting some cutie content from them. 

Is that the Atlanta Dream on your roster or are you just happy to see me? It’s actually Vinyl BC, but Jordin Canada, Allisha Gray, and Rhyne Howard sure are used to play together at this point. You can bet we’ll also be getting more Allisha Gray/Rhyne Howard food reviews. 

The Lunar Owls managed to keep Phee, and between Marina Mabrey, Skylar Diggins, and Courtney Williams, I’m not sure who’s going to be saying “hold me back” and who’s going to be available to actually do the holding back.

The Rose is about business and full of ballers. Chelsea Gray is going to make any team compelling. 

I don’t think the Hive is taking the championship (cut to yellow-colored confetti falling as the Hive celebrating) but I do think they are in the running for coolest. Rae Burrell, Cameron Brink, Natisha Niedeman, Olivia Miles, Sonia Citron, Naz Hillmon — they don’t miss. 

And you best believe last year’s champions, the Mist, have shooters. And they still have Stewie, which usually means you’re going to win a lot. 

I loved the Phantom last year, and I love the Phantom this year. Tash Cloud, KP, Tip Hayes — these players are total sickos. 

Practice a new skill. Consider this your inspiration. 

Adopt a cat. How many more signs do you need?

Go to the movies. Rocky is back in theaters, 50 years later.