Bill Simmons, Thank You For Coining “El Cheapo”

…This spinoff of a renowned trivia show — which famed sports broadcaster Joe Buck is rumored to host — will have a sports slant and will air on Hulu and Disney+. Might I suggest Katie Nolan or Mina Kimes or both at once for the days that Joe Buck has a cold? 

We Need To Talk About Under Armour. Yesterday, word got out that just months after they split with Stephen Curry, their time with Kelsey Plum has come to an end. I’m not a B2B gal, but I do need to be a fly on the wall in their strategy meetings. 

If you’re sick of scrolling in all the wrong places, can I interest you in an app you’ll love (I’m guessing)? BZZR is a sports-only platform where superfans can find their favorite creators. I imagine it’s like X and TikTok except no one is telling you seed oils are going to kill you. 

If Victor Wembanyama has no fans, I am dead. That’s why, when someone writes a profile on him, I have to read it. I’ll die if I don’t! So, here’s a piece in Le Monde. Unrelated, here is NASA talking about him, for some reason. 

The kid (Ceyair Wright) who played LeBron’s kid in Space Jam: A New Legacy (and who is not a kid anymore) is hoping to get drafted by an NFL team this week. I am also hoping to get drafted, as I will be on the ground in Pittsburgh for the first round, if you know any GMs. 

“Go Off” is a special edition of our daily newsletter, featuring my thoughts, takes, and general vibes, presented to OffBall readers every Wednesday.

Bill Simmons gifted Portland Trail Blazers fans with a pantheon-level nickname for their new owner after he made many cost-cutting moves that had ball knowers all around up in arms. “El Cheapo.”

It’s a little cruel, but most people think it’s just kinda perfect and catty. (No disrespect to you and yours if you read this newsletter, Tom Dundon.) 

But let me back up a little, because I spent all day yesterday talking my fellow Trail Blazers fans off the ledge after this article by The Athletic’s Jason Quick dropped. Quick wrote that Dundon, who bought the Trail Blazers earlier this year for $4.25 billion, would be taking unconventional money-saving measures, like leaving two-way players (and some staff and broadcasters and reporters) at home while the team travels for playoffs; opting out of producing playoff t-shirts for fans at Moda Center; and asking staff to hang out in the lobby of their hotel instead of offering a late checkout when they had late-day flights (I didn’t even know this cost money but I guess that’s how broke I am). 

My favorite of his possible budget cuts is the rumored axing of one of the team’s two mascots, which of course, is something you might see in Portlandia.

Fans are absolutely rabid at this news. They’re worried it will reinforce the rumor that Portland can’t attract big free agents. 

Reporters have thoughts, too.  

And, as Blazers fans have done since the dawn of time, they’re finding a way to laugh through it all. 

Unfortunately, even Portland’s former Blazers are dogpiling (which I say lovingly, because I do understand this particular depression Josh Hart is referring to). 

Then, you have the more even-keeled fans, like myself, (I’m in rare form right now). I think we just have to wait it out. I’m hoping these cost-cutting strategies yield the same results they have with his other franchise, the NHL’s (pretty successful) Carolina Hurricanes.

I checked in with a few of my friends to see how they felt about it all. For what it’s worth, it may not seem like it if you are online, but some are being relatively chill. See below. 

Then, I was filling my husband in on all of this drama and he looked at me and said: “Why are we cursed?” He’s only married into this life, but it became clear to me that the transformation into a depressed ‘Zers fan was finally complete. I mean, imagine a season in which your head coach is arrested by the FBI and it isn’t even the craziest PR week for your favorite team. Cursed! 

Anyway, maybe it’s just because I am very used to this specific kind of fear, anxiety, and purgatorial pain, or maybe it’s because I’ve seen every episode of Portlandia (and grew up there) but I’m going to wait and see before I make any rash judgements about Tom Dundon. And if, and only if, this is all part of a bigger plan to relocate (which I’m told by people smarter than me that it is not), I will be inconsolable.  

We didn’t talk enough about Netflix’s Running Point for my taste. Thankfully, a second season is almost here, and you’re going to be better this time around. Because Ike Barinholtz is one of the greatest writers/actors/showrunners of all time. 

I’m kind of hoping they loosely wrote in a spicy storyline resembling the Russell Westbrook/LeBron beef (Bomani Jones explained that here, for those who don’t recall), but I won’t hold my breath. I do know, however, the story will be all about a vengeful brother (Justin Theroux), and most everyone from the first season (Brenda Song, Drew Tarver, Jay Ellis, etc.) will return. That’s a W. 

Also, we’re getting all 10 episodes at once, which is something shows barely do anymore. I’m talking about you, The Pitt and Hacks!  

Now, the only question I have is if they still want me to believe Chet Hanks is a professional basketball player.